Though this term is relatively new to us all, the practice is as old as technology. I have ghosted several times during my adulthood. With the flick of a notification switch on your phone, you can block contacts. You can delete messages and ignore calls without a second thought. You can block people on Facebook, never to see their name in comment threads or posts again. Sometimes, it's more effective than a restraining order, and feels more powerful than an argument. With us using technology more as a shield and barrier to the outside world than an avenue of connecting with one another to make plans for in person visits, to many, ghosting is as simple as ignoring someone via technology. The reasons go much deeper than a simple swipe.

The first time I was ghosted, was in the early 2000s when AIM was all the rage. I was quickly growing into myself and out of my familiar shell and turned to the popularizing internet to make connections with others. And that I did. I made online relationships with others quickly, and had regular evenings of multiple chat windows open, getting to know these strangers. Thankfully, for my personal safety and sanity, it never went beyond that. But, real emotions were felt, connections and understanding were there, just like any real life relationship with another human harbors. Just as quickly as they began, they also ended. And being a pretty quiet and private person, I had no one to talk to about this secret part of my life yet. I had been ghosted.

The first time I ghosted someone was an ex-girlfriend that cheated on me during our short relationship, broke up with me the night I moved to Dallas - to make me not only jobless for the first time in 6 years, but also single and now possibly homeless, since she'd previously offered for me to stay with her while I looked for a job and my own place, after experiencing discrimination from my previous employer. She dumped me, after coming home drunk from a dinner date with her boss, I dealt with the heartbreak at barely 22, and out of monetary necessity, remained roommates for a few awkward educational and miserable character building months. She gifted me with the first real lessons of understanding trust and personal responsibility. Just a month prior to our breakup, I'd paid for an entire trip to Hawaii for both of us with the agreement she'd pay me back in full for her half and 10 years later, I've not received a dime for her portion of the trip. Lesson: don't pay for other's or lend money you can't afford to give. (It's taken many more rounds of this test to learn the lesson.) Fast forward a few months through some dramatic events and as goes the pattern in my life, I'd suddenly had enough of yet another taking kindness for weakness. I ghosted her.

We have been in contact off and on since then, she's a wonderful conversationalist and very funny, but had deep rooted issues with alcohol and unfaithfulness (she married my ex and cheated on her within a year, and is now remarried to a very kind and responsible person that is very good for her). So, for humor's sake, let's set this straight: my 2nd girlfriend married my 3rd girlfriend, who I no longer am in touch with, after attempting multiple runs at a post-relationship friendship.

A longtime friend from high school and I had an off balance friendship for many years, with me mostly going to see her on her turf, on her terms and accepting her invitations and her rarely accepting mine or coming to visit me. She did on occasion while we were younger, but the most recent years grew to be heavily one-sided. I'm well aware of life's imbalances and beautiful imperfections, however, friendships and relationships require give and take on both parts for them to work. Mutual respect, honesty, shared interests, activities, conversation, etc are components of healthy friendships. While I value our conversation and time together, our daily texts became a habit and a nuisance rather than conversation and interaction. I've got social stamina and a resilient nature, but after a very long run of patience and continued rejection, my fucks have all been given and I get to the point of no more to give, which results in ghosting.

Ghosting is the tasteful term for the more honest term: no more fucks to give.

While it is wrong and hurtful to the person that is ghosted, it's a last resort after many attempts of polite interaction and kindness being taken for weakness, at least in my experience. There's a level of respect and consideration to be maintained in relationships of any kind, and once that's been exhausted, for me at least, it's too far gone, all the fucks have been given and there's nothing left to offer outside of a small range of indifference. I've recently come to realize this is a very large fault within myself, as it's a pattern and an unfair one to others.

I've also been ghosted by a few folks in my life, and have come to accept it as part of growing up and growing apart, once the lessons are learned from that experience. We are in each other's life for a reason or a season, and things don't always end in an abrupt bang with proper closure and resolution. The mystery remains of what happened, did I do something wrong or offensive, what's wrong with me, but gratitude and acceptance of what is and what was are the keys to moving on without dwelling on the past.

Have you ghosted anyone? Have you been ghosted? What was your relationship like with the person before it happened? Do you feel it was a necessity, a last resort because you weren't being heard? 

Keep on keepin' on

Cheers
Live Good, Live Well