Something to Prove, Everything to Learn
For the full 32 years in this life and in this body, there's been this understated, quiet burning yearning to prove myself, to make it to the next level ... of what? To have that nicer car, to live in a nicer home in the most up and coming area, to move to Ireland, to another state, to have nicer things, to appear to be in a happy & stable relationship, to make myself stand out, and to fit in with everyone else drowning in the middle class rat race. Like so many of you, I woke up daily and continued chasing the material things, the salary, the bonus, the promotion, the recognition, the check-in on Facebook in another exotic location so people would like and comment to validate my self-worth. My jet-setting status set me apart from most everyone else in my life.
Blame it on Astrology, or the Universal energy that holds us all here, but 2016 has been a year of a slowed pace, reflection on the last 10 years of what I know as adulthood and pondering this: What in the fuck was I chasing? The constant climb feels so foreign now, yet still closely familiar, and was so developmental to my growth during that period of my life. While trying to find myself, searching to desperately for love. I looked everywhere, in the most literal sense. Everywhere I traveled, every event I said yes to, every invitation I accepted, my eyes and body language were open, all too naive and ready to catch myself, and to find her. So very many forced relationships began, and too many of those forced relationships lasted excruciatingly long beyond their expiration dates.
Trying to buy their love, their affection, their loyalty, their honesty, their dedication, thousands of dollars spent, lost, loaned, given away, stolen, spent on the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, for the wrong things. ... I'd have had better luck with throwing my money into lottery tickets. Had I done that, I wouldn't have learned anything about myself, nor would I appreciate the love and life that's now the comforting safe space we all so crave and desire. Buckets of tears shed, countless meals skipped while drowning in my own anxiety, thousands of miles driven only to be repeatedly cheated on and lied to. I've summarized five of those hard learned lessons on love, life, self and growing up, in hopes of sparing at least one of you from some of the turmoil I so enthusiastically put myself through, all in the name of what I thought was love:
1. Trust your gut, your instinct, your inner voice, your angels, whatever you prefer to call this innate guiding power that so keenly steers us along the path of right and good. It's when you ignore this voice of good reason that life goes into a dark part of the path: shit goes crazy. So many signs point you back to the lit pathway, where the flow is easy and the beautiful flowers bloom, where the sun shines and the constant nagging of anxiety is absent.
2. “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” - Maya Angelou.
Do you know how accurate she is about this?! It is not our right, place, job, duty, obligation, honor or responsibility to change others. Be an observer of others, they will tell you exactly who and what they are. Do not argue, do not convince yourself otherwise, just accept the facts as they are, and make your decisions based on reality, not on expectation. Your future (and present) self will thank you immensely.
3. Do what feels right, don't fight for what feels wrong. If you spend your days battling anxiety, faking smiles, faking emotions, faking reactions, stressing about another person's every move and your own steps on figurative eggshells, evaluate your life. Are you with the right person? In the right job? Living in the right place? Life is not worth sacrificing our own happiness and well-being for the sake of what we think makes another person happy, or even content enough to have a somewhat pleasant five minutes together. Nor for the sake of comfortability and familiarity. Is being miserable comfortable? Absofuckinglutely not! Being happy is comfortable, living a life you enjoy is comfortable, doing things you are good at and that feel good in your soul is comfortable. Give yourself the greatest gift and live your life for you.
4. Stand for something, but make sure that something includes yourself. Only you own your voice, and your voice is your power. Use your voice to make a stand for yourself, your beliefs, your knowledge, your experience, your life. No one could or should speak for you and how you live your life. Be in the driver's seat of your life, ask for what you want, speak up for what you need, utilize your "no" muscle. Don't pass up the opportunity to keep your mouth shut. Silence is sometimes the best answer.
5. Be your best friend, be your kindest, truest lover. The only person you will spend every minute of your life with is yourself, so make the best and most of it. Take yourself on dates, write nice love notes to yourself, speak kindly and with love to yourself. Treat yourself to gifts and good food, massages and trips alone. Watch the movies you enjoy, the ones that make you feel good. Decorate your home with things that make you feel good, happy and joyful. Clean up after yourself, always. Treat your body with love, feed it foods that are nourishing and wholesome. Have that glass of wine each night, that delicious cup of coffee every morning, if that's what you love. Go to yoga, go out with your friends, laugh at yourself, dress up and show up to your own life.
You and you alone are in charge of your life, your happiness, your heart, your well being. Choose the lighter path, the happy side of the path, the good side of the path.
Live Good, Live Well