We'll make the best of what's around

Photo credit: Matador Network

It started as a whimsical purchase of something I wanted while I was out shopping for others a few years ago. A pair of shoes I just HAD to have. A wallet I so desperately needed. A new laptop bag. Before you know it, I was outright shopping for myself during the holiday season, and lost sight of how to thoughtfully shop for others. As a teenager, I modeled after my Mom and bought gifts for damn near everyone I knew. Now, as an adult, it's almost infuriating because it's more about figuring out what you think someone would want, even though you only see one another at Christmas and Thanksgiving. WHAT. 

This year, I've found myself doing the same. I got my Mom a few things, and my girlfriend a couple things ... but here it is, 11 days before we are due to go spend a weekend with family and exchange gifts in hopes of figuring out something they want ... and eat more holiday food. And spend hours with people we don't typically spend time with. And smile and be happy about it. And it's the busiest time of year at work for me. And ... you get the idea, it's a quite similar story for so many of us! Why do we do it? Since Thanksgiving, I've bought myself: 2 necklaces, a lantern for my office, a surprise box from Bespoke Post with some random goodies in it, some candles for setting intentions for the new year, a leather pocket folder thingy ... and that's just what I can remember. I suppose I began this tradition because I don't feel I get gifts I want from others, for the most part. But that's not true. It's all this murky misconception I have about people "not getting" me and feeling alone and swimming around in my own damn head. 

At Christmas 1989, there was a gift under my Nanny's tree to Steve in very neat handwriting, but no from name was included. Everyone took a look at it and no one owned up to who brought it. After our dinner, it was time to open gifts and my dad opened the one addressed to him with no from name, and lo and behold, it was the exact gun scope he had been wanting! He had drawn his own name for Christmas and given himself exactly what he wanted. Is there where I got it from? 27 years ago when my dad started this tricksterness? 

What's it mean now, now that I'm an adult? I don't need the things I've purchased for myself, they're just cool to have and things I'll probably enjoy at some point in the future. Are these things I wish someone else would know me well enough to buy for me? Probably, yes. But highly unlikely that'll ever be. And that's okay. I'm coming to peace with it. I have my own money and can buy my own things. My bigger struggle is understanding what to get others ... and where do you draw the line on who to buy for and who to respectfully leave off the list?

My sister, for example. We don't talk. We don't really have a relationship. But in years past, I've gone to her home for Christmas morning Santa Claus gift opening because it's what we started doing after my parents divorced, 2 decades ago. But I'm not welcome there, because I'm a lesbian. This year, I'm politely not going and don't feel odd about it, aside for the fact that it puts my mom in the middle per usual, because no one will talk to each other in the family and mom does everything. 

And ... my dad. He and step-mom give me cash each Christmas and I haven't seen them for a birthday in several years. I see them exactly twice a year, unless there's a death and subsequent funeral to attend.  

Does anyone else do this? What are your feelings about it, and reasons for it? Is there a shift on the horizon we are inspiring? Can we reverse the dreadful impacts of ridiculous unnecessary consumerism?