The Catalyzing Events & 24 Things I Learned From a Horrible Relationship
 |
| Photo credit: notlostjustweird.wordpress.com |
One year ago, on the afternoon of September 20, 2016, I received a death threat from a bloke that responded to a Craigslist ad I had posted about renting a room out in the house where I was living. Just 9 days before, I had brought about the ending of a tumultuous relationship and she was moving to live with her family on the other side of the country. A series of decisions led us both to this place, and staying in that large house (I'm used to apartment living as an adult, close spaces have become my norm) and paying the high rent alone was not something I was financially comfortable with, nor was it reasonable, especially after I'd bankrolled the entire move, less than 4 months before this shitshow of events that resulted in my freedom and reclaiming my sanity and happiness.
September has always been a month of endings and new beginnings for me. Relationships and moves have been the most prominent theme in years past.
Coffee With a Friend
One Friday evening the month before, I'd met a good friend for coffee after work and told my then GF all the details of the plan. Like a normal and good friend, my phone was on silent as we sat and talked, and I had 13 missed messages when I checked it around 6 PM. The first few were normal then they morphed into anger and impatience and messages about how I didn't love her or care enough to check if she made it home from work safely. I politely and diplomatically replied and asked if she would like to join us for dinner and got a prompt "fuck you" back. That was one of the breaking points in my head, no one who loves another talks to them that way, for any reason. My friend and I continued our conversation into the evening and responses to my messages to my GF stopped. When I got home, her car was gone and the lights were on, no note, no answer to my call or messages for about half an hour. She was young and immature, I put all that together and 99% of the time, maintained a level of vast patience for it. This night, I maintained my patience, and she finally told me where she was (at a bar, drinking alone, just 2 minutes from where I had just spent the evening, half an hour from where we lived). I got in my car and drove back down there, and waited patiently for her to finish her drinking and whatever she felt she needed to do inside. I was not there to make amends or to apologize, for I had done absolutely nothing wrong. I was there simply to drive her home, since she was drinking and rarely did so. Safety first.
About an hour and a half went by, and as the bar closed, she came out and got in my car. All of the fights now blend together into a big 10 month blur, so the details of the rest of this weekend are faint. The next few weeks went on, more fighting happened as her birthday approached. Turning 23 was scaring her as she realized she needed to grow up and do something with her life. I was realizing how much I did not want to be in a relationship of any kind with this person and needed to remove myself and my dogs with minimal damage and drama. I've never much cared for reality TV, and it's just after looking back on previous relationships that I realize why. There was enough drama in my life, I didn't need more of the same.
LaborDave Weekend
The day after her birthday, we flew (on my dime, of course) to Spokane, where we'd spend a couple of days before I went to meet my friends at The Gorge for LaborDave Weekend. I have a strong way of being polite and pleasant and diplomatic and accommodating, so the time went okay enough. I only needed to make it to Thursday morning, then I was free from her for a few days. She spent time with her parents and grandmother while I was away, something that only a month later, would be a permanent living arrangement and solution for her.
The first day I was with my friends, I was closed off and tightly wound. Paranoia and fear had become my normal feel, not wanting to say anything that would set someone off into a fight or questioning my every move, so I stayed quiet and complacent and agreeable and ensuring every move and word from me was nothing outside of platonic, for I had an extremely volatile and jealous GF on my hands. On Saturday, she expected that I would inconvenience another friend to make the 3 hour drive back to Spokane to have a 30 minute lunch with her. No. This was my fucking time away for myself, to clear my head and heart and actually enjoy my time. And, I was not going to put someone else's plans and timeline for making the evening show at risk. Respect the sanctity and soulful experience that is LaborDave Weekend.
When she didn't get her way about this, all hell broke loose (via text message, of course). She sent messages and the most prominent one, asking me when I was moving out. Excuse me, but I am the one who paid for us to move into that house together. The audacity and self entitlement of this person ... befuddles me. At that point in time, that was the door opened for me to make my way out. That was the breaking point, the point in my life where I had clarity and knew that life would take a major change when we got back to Texas. I would make sure the rest of the trip was enjoyable for me. The only hurdle was that we had the day to spend in Portland the Tuesday after LaborDave Weekend, so I would have to hold off on the breakup conversation. Knowing the end was near gave me the most comforting, self-loving feeling. No one should have to walk on eggshells to avoid a fight or argument. Abuse doesn't always look like abuse, and all abuse isn't the same. But if you are not free to be yourself, to do the things that make you happy, to spend time with the people you want to spend time with, to speak freely from a place of love, get the fuck out and go do you. Create and curate and craft the life YOU want to live for yourself. Don't live for others, don't try to take up your time doing all this pointless shit for someone else that doesn't appreciate it. Do what makes you happy and the rest will fall into place.
The shuttle ride home from the airport was a death defying experience. We landed late and both worked the next morning. It was near midnight when we got out to the shuttle, and the driver didn't greet or acknowledge us. He drove through the other terminals, rudely nearly running over a few passengers trying to ask for ride information. "Just get us home safely" I kept thinking to myself. I noticed the check engine light was on, the low fuel light and some other dashboard warning lights on the passenger van. Once we finally got out of the airport, he was swerving a bit. It was after 1 AM, but I texted my Mom anyway, letting her know where I was and what was happening, in case something happened. Driving on 635 is always an adventure, no matter the time of day. Just near the 635/35 interchange, there's a less than favorable part of town that you really don't want to be at after dark, if you know what I mean. Safety first, after all. So anyway, this motherfucker tries to tell us he needs to stop to get gas in this part of town ... "NO SIR. TAKE US HOME, YOU CAN GET GAS AFTER YOU DROP US OFF, YOU HAVE PLENTY TO GET US TO OUR DESTINATION" I authoritatively told him in response to his claim. He swerved on down the freeway, low on gas.
I had him drop us at the end of the street, so he wouldn't see what house we went into. Nearing the end of this relationship of warning signs, I didn't want some creepy old white man trying to come into our house at 2 AM, where there were already enough issues to resolve in the coming days. We made it in one piece. The next 3 days were coming quickly. Hours upon hours of tears and yelling ensued that next afternoon when I was home from work. This was a sensitive and volatile situation that I had to plan and let play out carefully. It was all from a place of love and respect, but doubtfully received that way. After many hours of discussion, arguments, blame placing, yelling, scream-crying, during my lunch break on September 11, 2015, we finally and mutually agreed to end our relationship. I went back to work for the afternoon, happy and feeling lighter and freer than I had since before we met. I was gleeful, happy, relieved and felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
Freedom
That evening, she scream-cried some more on the phone in the other room, while I tried to sleep and contain my excitement about leaving for the weekend to meet friends in Denver to see O.A.R. at Red Rocks. When I left the next morning, I was on top of the world. I had a renewed sense of self, was dressed and on my fucking way to enjoy myself. I knew Zephyr and Sully would be taken care of for the weekend, so was on my way, with no worries and full of optimism for the possibilities of the future. The weekend was relaxing, fun, motivating and easy going.
When I returned, she had made plans to move to live with her family in Spokane, but wouldn't tell me any details of this. She asked if I'd keep her puppy, June, because she wasn't welcome where she was going. I declined. Zephyr and Sully are my babies and responsibility. She made the decision to adopt June, she needed to grow up and own up to her decisions. The following week was spent with us avoiding each other when possible, keeping the peace when interacting and more conversations about why I felt it was best we weren't right for each other. It was utterly exhausting, trying to explain why we were not compatible, 100 times over. During the course of this, we'd made the decision that she would help me find roommates to take up her share of the rent and bills. So, I put an ad on Craigslist and some roommate finding sites and began the process. Some good candidates came by, no one committed. On 9/20/2015, a lady came that was a day late after a reschedule from Saturday. We were talking with her when the Craigslist Creeper pulled up and parked in front of the neighbor's house.
Moment of Clarity
He said it looked like we were having a party, and he'd wait until all those people were gone so he could come inside. And it was rude of me to not tell him I was hosting a party. These comments were odd and he was quickly removed from the possibilities list, but I proceeded on. I walked outside to waive him in, he sat in his car and didn't make eye contact. I went back in, and that's when he began sending threatening texts to my phone, threatening to kill me and to not fall asleep. I called 911, reported it and gave all of the information to the nice officer that came by. He assured me that 99% of the time, these are empty threats and the offender is never heard from again. This gave me some relief, but not much. I became paranoid and fearful of living in my own home. I didn't want to live there alone, I didn't want to continue to hunt for a roommate, since this was a clear sign that was not the right path for my life. I didn't know what to do, but what I was doing, wasn't working for me. Everyday there were signs to turn around, go the other way, stop, go back, go around, yield, proceed through the roundabout.
I wasn't afraid to break the lease, to work with the landlord/owner on finding a new tenant, to pay the fee to break it, I just could not remain living there in fear. I had to move, and for a 2nd time that year. It was went I went to see a spiritual advisor when I learned of the clause in lease contracts that you can rightfully move if your life has been threatened or you are in danger. While I never, ever wish this to be used by anyone, it is there for good reason and can be exercised. Documentation must be provided, and some of the terminology is loose for interpretation, but nonetheless, it exists. Long story, short, everything happens for a reason, and if you ignore the first few delicate signs, bigger ones will slap you in the face until you pay attention and make necessary adjustments in your life to get on the best path for yourself.
Major lessons I learned from all this:
1. Only you are in charge of your life. No one else.
2. Love yourself, put yourself first.
3. Follow your intuition and do not question it.
4. Do what you know is right.
5. Live your life to your happiness.
6. Make the shitty moments enjoyable.
7. Keep money saved for yourself, for emergencies and rainy days. You never know when you'll need it.
8. If it doesn't feel right, turn around.
9. Be open to new possibilities, for new experiences.
10. Treat yourself well, treat yourself often.
11. We are not here to fix others. We are here to enjoy and love others as they are, and grow with them.
12. Moving house is a costly endeavor, so make it worth your while!
13. On that note, hire movers.
14. Yoga pants are not pants.
15. Build up all areas of your life that are important (aka don't put all your eggs in one basket)
16. Living with someone is a big commitment. Plan accordingly for all scenarios.
17. Write. Write it all down.
18. Maintain your dignity and manners at all times.
19. Take responsibility for yourself, your decisions, your actions.
20. Appreciate the small things, for they are the big things.
21. This too shall pass.
22. Synchronicities are big signs, pay attention! (The house number this creeper incident happened at is 920, the incident happened on 9/20. The timeline from the time we met to the resolved deposit return from the lease ending was exactly 1 year, down to the hour.)
23. Life happens in patterns. You can choose to repeat those patterns, or to break them and move on to the next lessons.
24. Pay attention to what your stressors are, and make changes to resolve and remove them.
Finding appreciation, gratitude, silver lining, happiness
The ending of our relationship was the beginning of so much more for me and possibly the best thing that's ever happened in my life, since I met her. I've gained a much deeper & broader level of appreciation and gratitude resonate from my soul after experiencing life from someone that operates on such a different vibration than I do, and learned a tremendous amount about myself and how I want to operate my life. An easy life of love, happiness, good challenges, creativity, travel, abundance, healthy eating and trying new things, saying yes to what's important, good and right and no to what is not. I've started two business projects and have reached out into other ventures, gotten certified as a Life Coach, am now in a relationship with a gentle, kind and loving woman, have regained my sense of self and actively work on life goals and projects to create the future from my present.
I always find the good in every situation, I ask what things are here to teach me, what I am to learn from every person and experience. I approach life with an attitude of appreciation and giving others the benefit of the doubt, with an air of abundance. Continual practicing of shifting my mindset from lack to abundance is the theme of my life, and I like to celebrate the small things. I like to make every decision from a place of curiosity and awareness of good living, from the items I use in the shower to the undergarments I put on my body, to the food I eat for lunch, to the words I choose to say to myself, and to others.
Do you, curate your life, find the good in everything.
The OC